letter from Juliet

Today, we received a letter from little Juliet! Well, she didn't write it, she's not yet 6, but she drew us some pictures. Check it out below. Very sweet.

I need to send her a letter back, or better yet, a little package. It is her birthday in April. Any ideas? It has to fit in a 6x9 envelope. I wonder if I could make a tiny sock bunny for her and cram it in there?

And, even more, I need to pray more for this little girl in Uganda. She has touched my heart, opened it to wider and bigger avenues of love.

Thank You, Lord!

hope

When we left Tennessee, I stuck the pictures of the little ones in my Bible. I won't lie to you when I say I frequently sneak a look at them a few times a day. Life, after all, is beautiful. And, I like to gaze upon beauty.

(Oh, on a total sidenote, did you know, that the little embryos would be visible to the human eye if you were looking at them, outside their little home? Yep, pretty cool, huh? They are the size of the head of a pin. Crazy! Tiny! But totally visible! Ok, back on track)

Today, when I went to look at the pictures, I noticed a verse I had underlined at one time. It seems that God had used the pictures of the litte ones to bookmark a great verse, one I needed to read! Maybe, you need it today, too?

But I will HOPE CONTINUALLY and will praise You YET MORE and MORE. {Psalm 71:14}

pregnant thoughts

Debbie, our mediator, told me the other day to "think pregnant thoughts!" It was cute and made me smile.

So, I've been trying, little by litte, to do so, while still trying to balance the possibility of things not going the way I have longed for. His plan tho, not mine. I know He CAN, and I will continue to hold to that. I will curve my thoughts to His.

My dreams however, I have little control of. I can assure you, I have never had a dream where I was pregnant. Well, I take that back. I did once, in high school. I know, weird. I had married this older guy that I crushed on and had a major love/hate relationship with. I was very pregnant, in labor, and he was rushing me to the hospital in his little bitty car, wreckless as ever (I hated the way he drove), scaring the living daylights out of me. I specifically remember being terrified around one specific part of the road that takes a drastic curve from east to south. I was not happy.

This road and curve is the way to our hospital, still, so let's hope, should Little One come, Jerome does a lot better driving than this guy in my dream did.

I had a dream a few weeks ago, regarding the transfer. Here's the dialogue while I was waiting for the Dr. to do the transfer.

Well, we accidentally thawed five embryos, so we're going to give you five.

What? Wait. I thought you couldn't do that?

We have no choice. We're giving you five.

The rest of the dream I walked around, hunched over, with my arms out like shields protecting my belly, saying ...

Don't touch me!!!! THEY GAVE ME FIVE!!!!

A few nights ago, I had another dream. I don't remember much about this one, other than we had twins, and I named them some ridiculous poem thing. Mega long. I remember calling it out, and it took me forever to say it. Sounds like something I would do.

Last night I had a dream that we had twins again, and they were little toddlers, barely walking, shopping in a mall with me. They were each carrying their own little bags of treasures they had found, following me around like puppies. This one is kind of odd to me because I'm not a big shopper. Hmpf. Curious.

All this to say, whatever my daytime thoughts lack in the "pregnant" area, my nighttime thoughts will make up for.

Oh, and I'm starting a new label for this type of post. I have a feeling there will be an abundance of stories, should we be pregnant.

dear cleaning lady

Dear cleaning lady,

I promise you, the syringes, alcohol wipes, and Band-Aids you may find in the trash can in our hotel room in no way means anything illegal went on here this past week. Well, nothing I suppose besides the forks we stole from the breakfast buffet. But that's it. Scout's honor. Please don't report us.

Signed,

Someone with a sore bum {and a thankful heart}.

today!

Today was the day! I still find it hard to believe now, as I sit here, that it actually has all happened. All the prep, the prayers, the waiting ... praise God, another step on this path has been taken.

This morning was spent in prayer, anticipation, and lovely messages from our friends and family. Words of encouragement, prayers, love. One special friend sent me a picture of her three little ladies, holding up their fingers in a progressive "1" "4" "3" ... ah, so special!

We arrived at the clinic, and were presented with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. Gerber Daisies. I was very surprised, and thankful, and when I read the card, I cried. They were from our beautiful donor family, we are adopting their little ones. How very special they are to me!




When we were all settled into our room, our Embryologist, Carol, came in to talk with us. Earilier in the morning, she thawed the little embryos. Two of them. And they both survived! Praise the Lord! (cue dance of joy!) She said they were very good quality, an "A" on the scale, with that being the highest quality. She gave us a picture of them, so special.





Dr. Keenan, our amazing doctor, did a quick check on me, to see about those "questionable polyps" they had thought they had seen in Rochester ... he couldn't find anything of concern, but said it may just be they are hidden at this time. He wasn't worried about them, if they were even there.

The transfer went great, I will spare the details however. Dr. Keenan said the little embryos went in well, and looked great on the ultrasound picture, which he gave to us. I never thought a little "bright spot" on an utrasound picture would make me feel so much, I don't know, tenderness?

Back in recovery, we chilled and prayed. For these little ones to hold tight! Hold fast! It is so crazy to think they are hanging out in there, in me! I hope it was a super welcoming place for them! I've been shooting lots of "pineapples", just for them :)

Now, we wait, again. Wait and pray. Pray, pray, pray! Keep praying with us?

Lord, You are great, and mighty! You part Red Seas! You CAN make these little ones hold tight! Thank You for the gift of life, for the gift of love, for Your grace, and Your continual peace showered on us. You know our hearts, may they line up with Yours!

take note

Wednesday. That's tomorrow. Oh my, what a journey it has been and will continue to be.

Tomorrow is the day we get these little ones, these snow angels ... Lord willing. Please, pray with us!

Early AM :: The thawing of the embryos. Welcome to warmth, little ones!

10:15 AM (Eastern time) :: The transfer.

Post-transfer :: Rest and then stop at Gigi's Cupcakes. Jerome promised.

The rest of the day :: Chill. Eat cupcakes. Pray. Pray. Pray.

spring!

It's the first day of spring today, my most favorite season. It's a day to celebrate newness. Growth. Hope. How fitting.

Here are some beauties I found. Enjoy, and pray.

breathe life

Tomorrow (Wednesday), early in the morning, the little embryos will be thawed. I have no idea what that involves or how it is accomplished ... (I continually think of them using a microwave, silly, I know.) ... all we can do is wait, trust.

They will thaw them, one by one, looking for life to be restored, renewed.

I am reminded of our Pastor's message at church a few weeks ago, about God breathing life into things. Into Adam, into dry bones, onto His his disciples. God's breath is life, is powerful. It restores relationship, heals hurts, brings life.

Would you pray?

Pray for life. But most importantly, pray for God's glory to be shown above all.

simple signs

Today, we arrived in Tennessee. Safe and sound, thank You, Lord.

I find myself a bit, well, excited, yes, but slightly anxious. I know I need to give that up to the Lord. I'm working on it. He has His simple signs though, that He's been kind enough to give to me, that everything in His will is perfect. For His reasons.

Here are some simple things, reminders, and signs, that He's used so I can see Him in the everyday.

- Flowering tress, most of them violet in color, leading our way.

- My box of Muppets Band-Aids, the lid says "You're going to be just fine!"

- Sweet verses from my Dad, {Numbers 6:24-26}

- Ducks sitting in a tree. How does that work? They have no claws!

- Bright sun shining through dark clouds.

- Dandelions, EVERYWHERE!

- Superman is big, and can fly, but God is bigger. The earth is His footstool!

- Sweet friends and family, cheering us on, daily. You know who you are!

No matter what the outcome tho, God is in control, and I will hold to that.

Lord, if You will, You CAN bring this Little One to life. Thank You for hearing, and knowing.

things learned today

a) Shots in the bum, well, they hurt. And give me little, itty-bitty panic attacks. But nobody would ever be able to notice them. Riiiiiiight.

b) Pedicures make me feel crazy special. I'll take one of those. Every day. For the rest of my life. Please and thank you.

c) The support of friends and family makes me feel truly blessed. And beyond thankful.

d) Excitement makes me very unproductive.

e) If you have the initials J.H., you are pretty special to me.

f) God is good, and in control. And, again, I'm thankful.

green duck

Today was the final check up day to clear us for the transfer. So, after a lengthy four hours of sleep (I decided to break the rules and have caffeine yesterday after 2 pm. Mistake.), I crawled out of bed, and made my way to the clinic.

First appointment. Blood draw. I must have made a terrible face when the man stuck me with the needle.

You doing ok?

Yeah, I just hate needles.

Inside my head though, I was trying to forget the size of the needle that comes next in my shot regimen.

Next appointment. Ultrasound. All is going well, until the technician speaks.

I think I've found a polyp here, so I need to document it. I don't know how that will affect your transfer.

What does that mean, is that bad?

I can't tell you, you'll have to wait to hear from Tennessee.

You can't telll me anything?

No, sorry.

I finished there and headed to the elevator. Once the doors closed, I lost it. What did this mean for me? For us? For Little One? I knew what a polyp was of course, I just didn't know what that meant for the transfer. Would we have to wait? Was it large enough to need surgery to remove it? What?! I was really wishing that technician hadn't said anything to me because I knew I wouldn't hear from Tennesse until later in the day.

I made it to my car, cried again, composed myself, and drove to the teller in the ramp.

Make it a good day!

I will try.

And, cue the waterworks, again. I decided I was being ridiculous and turned on the radio. I didn't even know what this polyp meant yet, I needed to calm down. Stevie Wonder came on, "Isn't She Wonderful?!" ... perfect! I rolled down my windows (Hey, 70 degrees at 8 am in MARCH? Hello!), threw on my shades Stevie Wonder style, and started singing, head weaving and all.

I was doing good! And then, a duck flew right in front of me and down into the lake. It was a green duck. And, I started crying again. (Seriously, I promise you, I am NOT NORMALLY this emotional!)

I did eventually calm down, received a sweet email from someone very special to us, and decided I needed to look for the happy things around me. Sun. Breeze. Coffee. Gerber Daisies. Hydrangeas. Shamrocks. (Picked up some of those for my Grandma!) Time. Thankful for time. His time, not mine.

Six hours later, after corned beef and cabbage with my Grandma and Mom, Tennessee called.

We want you to continue with your protocol. This "questionable polyp" isn't anything we feel is to be concerned about. If it's really there, it's small, and your other ultrasounds have been clear, so we are going to continue on. No need to worry. We'll see you on Wednesday.

Wednesday.

Tomorrow though, I look forward to a giant needle and a pedicure!

Thank You, Lord, for Your grace and steadfast love. Thank You for knowing. Thank You for seeing my tears, and keeping them in a bottle. Thank You for caring, beyond a shadow of a doubt, for this Little One.

1 week

Eek! One week! (no, this is not a tribute to Dr. Suess.)

I can hardly slow my thoughts down. 1 week. 1 week? 1 week! 12 years, and now 1 week. You see, I'm making no sense, thinking too fast, too much.

The last jump before Tennessee is a check up appointment this Friday. If I clear that one, we will be heading for you, Little One. I'm praying I'm ready. I'm praying for so much!

Lord, may I remember, Your will, not mine. Thank You for Your grace, spilled on me.

can

Reading in Mark this week and came across this story. I circled one word in it a long time ago, and it was a joy to be reminded.

And a leper came to him, imploring him, and kneeling said to him, "If you will, you can make me clean." Moved with pity, he stretched out his hand and touched him and said to him, "I will; be clean." And immediately the leprosy left him, and he was made clean. {Mark 1:40-42}

Which word did I circle? Can.

I love the simple, and strong faith of this guy. He came to Jesus, empty, seemingly worthless, with nothing but his filth, his disease, and he simply stated a fact. Not even a question. A fact.

YOU CAN make me clean.

And, He did. Immediately.

This screams many things to me, but here are the two loudest.

One; our faith, my faith, how strong is it? Do I say, "Lord, I THINK You can" or do I say, "Lord, You CAN"? Do I even come to Him, or do I try to do it myself? That leper knew he needed to come to Jesus, and he knew Jesus could heal him.

Two; we are worth{lots} to Him. I really don't think Jesus would waste His precious time if we weren't. We are. And He shows us countless examples in His Word. I am so thankful for that.

Lord, You can. Just sayin'.

connect the dots

In a few days, I will no longer be able to play "connect the dots" on my belly. Those little dots will disappear because ... I'M DONE WITH THE BELLY SHOTS! Excuse me while I do a little dance.

20 shots. Done. I never thought I'd survive. Op, I feel another dance coming on!

I now have a few days shot free, and then I will, Lord willing, start the, um, the "nether region" shots. Too bad I won't be able to see those dots very well to connect them. For now tho, I'm enjoying my distance from needles.

Thank You, Lord, for pulling me through this. Thank You for the sweet encouragement and gentle spirit of my guy as he gave me shot after shot and will continue to. And thank You for the willingness of my happy Italian when she had to do his job when he wasn't available ... though I think she enjoyed stabbing me with that thing a little too much. :) Oh well, I can't complain. Thank You, Lord!

silas spotting

Tonight was a "Fun Night" at the school. A night with kiddie type carnival games and masses of people. Masses of children. I kid you not, masses. Jerome and I had to run the ladder golf game. Imagine masses of four year olds chucking golf balls every way but the way they intended. It was quite hilarious, really.

There was one boy who came up to our game who looked strangely familiar to me. Dark hair, big, brown puppy eyes. I thought to myself, 'Hm, he looks like Silas. I wonder what Silas looks like now?' Just then, one of the boys with this boy says, "It's your turn, Silas." I couldn't believe it. The boy came up to me and handed me his ticket.

Hi, what's your name?

Silas.

I had to be sure I heard correctly. I watched him play the game, his big eyes smiling as he won, and then got to pick out his prize. He was shy and sweet. I then watched him run up to his Mom, who smiled back at him and was so excited to see his prize. They were so happy.

You see, Silas is a little boy we did foster care for years ago. He was three at the time. Not only did we do foster care, but we actually were going to adopt him. Yes, indeed. We had taken many steps down that adoption road with him, physically and emotionally. But then, Mom started to really try. To really do her best. To love him first, above her choices. And so, he went back to Mom. And I was so thankful for that. Really, I was. Not that we didn't want to adopt him, and not that it wasn't hard, but we knew if Mom could pull herself together, that's where he needed to be.

After sitting there for a few minutes, I decided I needed to talk to her. I felt kind of silly, but I had to. I introduced myself to her (Silas' Mom), and asked if she remembered us, which she did. I told her I was so happy to see them all together. How thankful I was. She was sweet and appreciative. I hope she could feel how proud I was of her.

Silas is now nine, almost ten. We haven't see him since he went back to Mom, until tonight. And even tho I didn't get to really talk to him, and I saw him for only a few minutes, I know he's where he should be. With Mom (who looks great and showers love), a new Dad, and brothers.

I am so thankful for the glimpse of him tonight. Thank You, Lord, for giving that gift to us!

2 weeks

I don't really have a countdown going, but still, I noticed.

2 weeks!

2 short weeks and the little life will be thawed and placed in warmth. Maybe instead of sticking needles in my belly, I should start drinking little bits of Super Glue? I'll have to talk to my Dr. about that one. I might be onto something there.

Today in my reading, I came across the words below. An encouragement, to rejoice, always, no matter what happens.

Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food;
the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls,
YET I WILL REJOICE IN THE LORD,
I will take joy in the the God of my salvation.
God, the Lord is my strength.
{Habakkuk 3:17-19}

more than cupcakes

If you know me, even remotely, you know that I love cupcakes. I love to make them. I love to see people eat them and be filled with joy. Oh, I love to eat them too, who am I kidding? Thus, I have what I lovingly call my "cupcake top" ... I'm being slightly sarcastic on the "lovingly" part. I'd rather it not be there, but I'm not to a place yet where I can scream "NO!" to a cupcake. Is there a C.E.A.? You know, a Cupcake Eaters Annonymous? No? Maybe I should start one. Somehow, I don't think I'll get very far in that 12 step journey though.

My name is E, and cupcakes control me. And I don't care! I love cupcakes. Sooooooo much. They make me happy!

I knew that would happen.

I love all the cupcake themed clothes they have for sweet little babies now. Perfect for a cupcake lover of a future Mother like me! Even tho I'm not emotionally to a place where I can convince myself to buy any, I'm keeping a mental note of where I see them. And, as soon as I can, I will buy them for Little One. If she's a girl, that is. I have yet to see a boy's shirt with a cupcake on it. Poor boys, they like cupcakes too! Come on!

Here are two I've seen lately:

A bib that reads: "Keep the cupcakes coming!" (mine will be the only baby to eat a cupcake, in the hospital, ever.)

PJs that read: "I love you more than cupcakes." (and I die!)

Little One, I promise: I love you more than cupcakes! I do and will!

tear goggles

Tear goggles. Use with caution while driving.

I am an emotional mess. I cry, not just tear up, but ridiculous cry, for the silliest reasons. Mozzarella cheese. A radio commercial. Not being able to find Lips in Menards. I am not normally a cryer either, so this is such a bizarre thing for me! But, the stories make me laugh later, so I share them! Here's what happened on Friday.

I was driving in Rochester, after my appointment and visiting my sweet Grandma Rose (a blog post, or twenty, all in itself!), when I saw this: A little old lady, walking with a walker on a high traffic road. She had just come from Wal-Mart and had 5 or 6 plastic sacks hanging from her walker as she tried to navigate slowly across the intersection. I was a block away from her at a stop sign when I saw her. My heart went out to her and I knew I had to help her!

That's when I saw it. Another angel! She stopped at the light, popped her trunk and jumped out to help the little old lady get her stuff, walker, and self in the car!

I burst into tears and said "thank you!" as I drove by. I should have rolled down the window so she could have heard me, amidst my sobs. (Or, maybe not.) I continued to drive down the highway, trying to compose myself. It's hard to drive while crying. Tears and mascara burn the eyes!

Finally, I gathered myself and smiled. Thankful for that angel. Thankful as well that she picked her up instead of me, because I think that little old lady would have been slightly terrified if I would have started crying on her. Oh goodness.

Then, I called Lips to tell him the story. And I started sobbing, AGAIN. Good grief.

That story is now banned from being told while I'm driving.

4 am

Today, I got up at 4 am. I think that should be illegal, just saying. Don't get me started on early wake up calls. But, I digress.

I got up at 4 am to head to Rochester for some testing, to see how I'm doing with the belly shots. Well, I'd just like to say, I'm not doing well with the belly shots, I don't like them, they make me cringe and get all creepy crawly feeling. But, they weren't concerned about that. Less than sympathetic even. It seems that the medical community is totally ok with needles. This should be illegal as well. Needles. And being ok with them. Who do I contact to get that law passed? Oh, I digress. Again.

I got up at 4 am to head to Rochester for some testing, and ... things are looking good! Tennessee liked what they saw and gave me the "Pass Go, Collect $200" to start my additional meds. Wahoo! Mm, wouldn't that be nice if they actually gave me $200 for passing my tests? I would put it towards my bill. With them. :)

And, since I can't seem to stay focused, I will end this post, happy.

Thank You, Lord, for pushing me past this first hurdle in the prep process. You are amazing.

bubsy lips

My guy, he is worth{lots}, and I'm so thankful for him!

Today was a trying day for me. I lost my favorite pen. No, no, don't think I'm crazy, yet. Pens are fickle things, and when you find one you LOVE, you hold on to it with a death grip. Lesson learned, my death grip needs work.

Now, let me tell you, this wasn't an ordinary pen. It was a Sharpie pen. Yes, a Sharpie pen. Thank you to my dear friend, Krista, for turning me on to those smooth babies. It's everything you love about a fine tip Sharpie, PLUS, they don't bleed through the paper! (and the crowd goes wild!) Not only was this a Sharpie pen, it was a PURPLE Sharpie pen, my favorite. It usually doesn't go a day away from my Bible. Purple underlining all over in that book these days. AND, not only was it a PURPLE SHARPIE pen, it was a SPENDY, PURPLE SHARPIE pen. The only way you can get a purple Sharpie pen is to buy the multi-pack. I think it was $8? Yes, $8 for a pack of pens, and the rest of the colors I only feel so-so about.

So, somewhere, during the time frame of breakfast and lunch, between the car, the parking lot, Panera, the parking lot again, my car again, AND the parking lot again, and, oh my, Panera AGAIN, she disappeared. Cue my saddness. (And yes, I ate at Panera twice in the same day.)

Enter my hubby.

I will go back to Panera and look to see if it's where we were sitting, k?

Oh, thank you! Maybe they have a lost and found even?

I'll look.

A few minutes go by, and he comes out.

No pen.

Oh. (total saddness) Did they have a lost and found?

Yes, they did. It wasn't there. I'm sorry baby.

It's ok. (I feel like Eeyore for some reason at this point. No hope for anything.)

We then start to head for home. About fifteen minutes down the road, I'm still in a deep 'I hate the world' depression about this whole purple Sharpie pen business, when it hits me. Cue my uncontrollable, silly, giggly, laugher.

Soooooo, you checked in the lost and found, right?

Yes, baby, I told you that. It wasn't there.

I know, I know. But, what exactly did you say?

I said, 'Excuse me, do you have a lost and found?'

Yes, we do! (the man starts to pull a little box out from behind the counter.)

Oh good. You see, I lost a pen in here this morning.

(The man looks up, perplexed.) A pen?

Yes, a pen.

Um ... (glances in box) ... nope. No pen.

Ok, thanks.

I was literally crying my eyes out in laughter over this whole thing. The man must have thought he was nuts! Who goes looking for a pen in a lost and found? I'm crying again just writing it!

Oh, that guy of mine. What silly thing won't he do for me? So thankful for him, and the way he humors me. Love you, Bubsy, and maybe you're right. Maybe God just wants me to use a different color!