be still, my heart

Look at my loves ...

Paisley Mae & Pemberley Rose

 

Thank You, Lord for these snow angels. Your gifts are amazing and I will not ever, no never, take them for granted. Thank You for blessing me beyond reason.

maternity pics

We are so thankful we had these done when we did! It was the week before Jerome's surgery (which we didn't know was going to happen at that time!) and I was 33.5 weeks pregnant with our Sweet P{eas}. You may not be able to tell, but it was only 8 degrees out with a wind chill of BEYOND FREEZING that day! We sucked it up though and tried not to look too cold!

Special thanks to my wonderful friend, and Mommy to twin boys herself, Heather, for taking these beautiful shots!

I have a large head, and that hat only added to the issue! :)

<3 this!

I love "headless" shots ... it's artistic, right?

Love me a red barn!

At this point in time, Jerome was done with the cold!

For cute, right?! Normally, I am not a "let's put the silly dog in the family picture"
kind of person, but hello! When I saw this online I HAD to copy it! :)

Love this! And thankfully, this was about a week or two
before I got a bunch of stretch marks! :)

Precious!

©2013 Heather Welch Photography
www.facebook.com/HeatherWelchPhotography

a picture or two

My beautiful girls @ 28 weeks.

Thank you to my beautiful friend (and the first couple we adopted from) for snapping these shots at the drop of a hat before my baby shower two months ago. Love you, June! Sorry it took me so long to put them up!

Dr. T

I just have to brag on this guy for a moment. He's pretty great.

This is my OB, Dr. Thorn. From the moment I met him, he's made me feel like the most special gal in the world. I'd like to say that I'm his favorite, but I'm pretty sure he makes all his patients feel that way. Or, maybe I really am his favorite because I bring him cupcakes on occasion? Who knows, haha!

At my first appointment with him (after the first transfer was unsuccessful and we decided I needed surgery to remove two small polyps, in case they were posing a problem), he was so sympathetic, and assured me I would some day be pregnant. I felt like he cared about me like he would his own daughter.

When I saw him for the first time after becoming pregnant with the girls, I can't tell you how many times he hugged and kissed me, and then went down the hall grabbing every nurse he walked by telling them "She's having twins! Isn't that incredible?!"

He listens to me, encourages me, and is excited for my girls almost as if they were his own! I'm very thankful for him!

Some of my favorite quotes from him:

Two girls! You are the perfect woman for two girls! All that drama!

Don't be offended, but you're a girly-girl. You are!

Hon, you're the cream of the crop.

You tell that nurse SHE needs to be flexible!

Look! She's waving at you! Hi Mom!

Well of course you're not cold. You've got two heaters in there.

What does "thumping" mean?

I'm not going to B.S. you ...

Please, please. please don't let random people in Wal-Mart touch your belly!

I realize that some of those won't make much sense to you without the complete conversation, but they are still funny to me!

Oh, and right after this pic he gave me a big kiss on the cheek. :)

and the winner is ...

So very excited!

Thank You, Lord, for the blessings of these little girls! Continue to grow them strong in Your will. May they become women of grace, love, and ones who strive after You with all of their heart! Mold me to be an example of You for them in all I do.

gotcha days

Gotcha day. It's an adoption term for the day you "got your" baby, toddler, kiddo, or, in our case, embies.

March 21, 2012: Our first gotcha day. Two beautiful embies from our wonderful donor couple, J & J, survived their thaw and were given to us, placed in ma'belly, and were carried home to Iowa, to prayerfully grow, grow, grow. As you know, those embies headed home to God and are now dancing for Him. I imagine two little girls in pink tutus dancing in His light, giggling. It is a comfort for me.

While this gotcha day didn't end as I had thought, but in tears and a sense of loss, I am beyond thankful for it. Thankful that our embies are experiencing life now, above, and thankful for the relationship we have with the donor couple, J & J. She has been a shoulder to me, carrying me through so many of the emotions, as she was once there herself. So, in a sense, March 21 was the gotcha day of a dear, dear friend. It will always be a special day to me.

June 12, 2012: Gotcha day #2. I won't lie. I went into this day with the expectation of loss. I figured the same thing would happen as did with our first embies, so I barely allowed myself to hope, other than in Christ. I held onto Him, but didn't allow myself to get so attached to the possibility of life, as I had done before. Remember, I don't like to hurt. I wasn't bitter, just wanted to get the loss over with again, if that's what was to happen.

This whole journey was crazy. Originally, our gotcha day was supposed to be May 16th, not the greatest for my schedule as I had a cake to make for a wedding, and the wedding festivities that weekend. But, we were going to make it work. A few weeks before the transfer, they had to move it to the first week in June, PERFECT! I was super glad for this move, as I didn't want to be uber stressed that week in May with my committments and all. BUT, a few weeks before that date, they moved it AGAIN, to the second week in June, which was probably the worst week possible for me. My best friend was getting married that week, I was in the wedding, had to make her a cake, plus help her out as much as possible. Ha! God has a funny sense of humor, huh?

So, we drove to Tennessee, had the transfer on Tuesday, June 12 (Jerome's birthday, of all days!!), drove home the very next day (straight through, 14+ hours), just in time for me to help my Krista prepare for the beginning of her and her fiance's beautiful life together. To say I was super exhausted by Sunday would be an understatement, haha!

This time, our donor couple, P & W, had three embies we adopted. Two survied the thaw, one did not. I know she's in Heaven with our others, dancing her little heart out. Why do I envision them all as girls? I have no idea! My silly brain!

With all we had going on that week and then next, I had zero time to worry, wonder, or stress. I'm so thankful for that! The wait to find out the results flew by.

Thank You, Lord, for your sovereignty, in all.

the one with the wedding

This girl, she is worth{lots}.

Her love for the Lord. Her gracious attitude. Her commitment to purity. Her continually pointing me to the Lord. I admire her more than I can say.

Thank You, Lord, for my beautiful Krista!

And thank you, K, for allowing me to be a part of your special day! You are beautiful and I love you, oh so much! And, I was trying to find a quote from Friends about Monica and Chandler's wedding, but I like this one instead:

Reporter: I like that. What's your name?
Pheobe: Pheobe. That's, P, as in Phoebe, H, as in heobe, O as in oebe, E, as in ebe, B, as in bebe, and E as in... Ello there mate.

one word

At the end of the year 2009, I heard of the great idea of picking ONE WORD, focused on your relationship with the Lord, as your type of New Year's resolution, instead of a whole list of ridiculous things that will never be accomplished. I liked it.

So, when 2010 hit, I picked my word.

Selfless

Yep, I picked selfless. I wanted to strive to be selfless, because let's face it, I'm seriously selfish. I kept a reminder of my word in various places around my house, in my Bible, on my computer, etc., etc.

However, 2010 ended up being what I am convinced was, and will be, the most SELFISH year of my life. It was the complete opposite of what I had wanted to strive for with the Lord, and I pretty much ignored Him in every single area of my life. I am ashamed of it. There isn't much in that year that I really ever care to repeat.

2011 came and I didn't pick a word. 2010's nearly killed me, I wasn't doing that again so soon.

2012. I decided that I would try again with another word. I thought long and hard about it because I wanted a word that I was sure I could handle. All I wanted in my word for this year (and forever, honestly), was something that was totally about Him. Him being my all. Him overwhelming me. So, I picked it.

Consumed

Easy enough, I thought. Right? Being selfless was something that was MY responsibility to act upon. And I failed, big time. But, being consumed by God was up to Him to do. Right? Kind of.

I was driving home the other night, thinking about the next thing on my list I had to accomplish and about how overwhelmed I am currently with life. Too busy with this, that. Preparing for another transfer. Being involved in numerous weddings. Living life with others. Emotionally overwhelmed. Physically overwhelmed. And then it hit me: I'm overwhelmed in every area of my life EXCEPT spiritually, my relationship with God. It seems I have once again, shot myself in the foot with my word for the year. I have let every other single thing around me, distract me from and shove out the important, all-satisfying God of the universe. The God of me. I am so thankful to have realized this at the halfway marker of the year instead of the end of it.

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be THANKFUL, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire. {Hebrews 12:28-29}

Choosing to not be thankful, and forgetting to be awed and amazed by my God, has allowed me to let the cares, distractions, and worries of this life creep in and crowd Him out. My choice. Ouch. God will consume me, when I am open and available to Him, and I so want that! Listen: I have to be OPEN and AVAILABLE to Him (that's up to me), and then God will consume me (up to Him)! Oh, and don't forget, God doesn't fail, so it's promise!

So, it seems the answer to my problem is simple, really.

Why am I not being thankful? Thankfulness is KEY, I will practice it! Where am I spending my time, if not with Him? Time is CRUCIAL, I will give it to Him! How am I not letting myself take joy in His amazing and simple gifts? His gifts are ABUNDANT, I wll seek them out! Why don't I stand in awe when I see Him move in my life? I will PAUSE and soak in Him! Where is my wreckless abandon in worship? I will lay down my ALL! Why am I letting myself be consumed by everything but Him? I WILL NOT allow that to happen any longer!

2012 will go down as a year consumed, by Him and Him alone.

the color of grace

I love the idea of painting, in an artistic way. I just can't seem to tap into that side of me very well yet, unfortunately.

I've been given no other choice than to be "crafty" this year with wedding gifts. We have an unreal amount of weddings, and honestly, at a low estimate of $20 per gift, per wedding, well, I just had to be creative to save some pennies! So, I bought some canvas. And paints. And brushes. Oh, and one of those great roundish things with the divots in it for paint, I have no idea what it's called ... you know, like Bob Ross has, only mine is plastic. Cheesy, right?

As I smeared the paint on the canvas for my first time, ever, I was quite excited. And then, I put more paint on. And, another color. And then, more paint. Then it dried. And then ... I repainted the whole thing again, right over the dried paint. It was awful, believe you me. I was slightly frustrated with it, with myself.

As I looked at the mess on the canvas I had made, and began to paint over the whole thing, I was thinking, how much my life is like that canvas in a way.

Sometimes I have my own ideas of what my life should look like, what I want to do, where I want to go, etc., etc., without concern of what God has for me in those areas. And then, as I stand back and look, I am left with a sloppy mess, a hurting heart, or whatever the circumstance may be. What was I thinking? Why did I think I could run my life the way I wanted, instead of the way He wants? Oh, silly me.

Thankfully, God is there, ready to repaint the messes of my life with His grace when I call out to Him. Wow, I am so thankful for His grace! It's a beautiful color on the canvas of my life.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
{2 Corinthians 12:9}

{And guess what? I am going to repaint it, again. It's still AWFUL. And, if you're reading this and getting married this year, my deepest apologies. Feel free to hang your gift in the closet.}

gentle reminders

Sometimes, I need gentle reminders.

I don't open up easily to people. Sharing my feelings, heart, open and honestly, just doesn't come naturally for me. This is a fault I know I have, and I'm trying to get better, really.

And, opening my heart to love, to love this Little One to be, while it comes so naturally to me, has been difficult. I tried to keep it under control, knowing what the years of waiting behind me were like, and not wanting to get my hopes up only to have them dashed. I don't like to be hurt. I don't like being vulnerable. I don't like others to know I am hurt, or vulnerable.

But, you know what? It's ok. It's ok to love, to hurt, to be vulnerable. I was reminded of this by a sweet message sent to me by a dear friend a few weeks ago, right after the transfer.

I'm reminded of these words from C.S. Lewis:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your
heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to
make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no
one, not even to an animal ..."

E, it is not wrong for you to be vulnerable and love the babies inside of you. I don't want to see you hurt through this process in any way, but I want to encourage you in the love you are developing for the little ones. You are their mother, whether it is for days or many years to come. You are entitled to and privileged to love them. They are yours; a blessing from God. Do not fear the pain.

Ah, thank you, dear friend. And thank You, Lord, for using her to speak truth to me!

So, I will love. I did and do love you, Little Ones, and someday, I will meet you in Heaven. And I will continue to love. To love those He has waiting for us. Whether they be snow angels, or other little angels, they are waiting to be loved, and I will have love enough for them, too.

more to it

Sometimes, I hold tightly to a certain verse, without exploring or really thinking much about the context around it.

For example, Jeremiah 29:11. Great verse, quoted often, builds confidence in Christ, and a whole lot of other great things. I even have a ring with the verse engraved on it, I like it so much. But, this verse is often the only one in that chapter that is brought to attention.

Today, I finished another book, Orphanology, and they quoted this verse, along with the few that followed it. And, it's teaching me much.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord ... {Jeremiah 29:11-14a}

Jeremiah is writing to the people of the Lord whom the evil King Nebuchadnezzar had taken from Jerusalem into exile to Babylon. I don't think they wanted to be there. They were confused, and probably upset. (Oh, and I am in no way a Bible scholar, so please do your own examination!) But, it doesn't seem like such a "good" plan to them.

God has a plan for us. Yes. Does that mean that only the good, happy things we can think of in life is what will happen? No. What I think it means, is that His plan for us is FOR OUR good, not evil. We will have difficult, painful, crazy ick times (like the exiles did), but it is for good, not evil. He is growing us. Teaching us to lean, on Him. Making us run towards that future with Him, and that hope of eternity, celebrating with Him! I love how it says after it talks about His plan, that THEN we will call on Him. We will come to Him. We will pray to Him.

I don't know about you, but I am terribly self-sufficient. Scratch that, I THINK AND ACT like I am terribly self-sufficient. I really am not. I am weak, helpless, powerless. But sometimes I forget that, and then in turn, forget to call out to God, to come to Him, to pray. Shame on me. That's where I've come to see that His path, His plan, may not always be easy, but it causes me, in my forgetful state of mind, to cling to Him even more, to cry out to Him. And that is GOOD, not evil. I'm so thankful for that.

And then, He gives us more beautiful promises. He will listen. He will be found. We just need to seek him with all our heart. And, if you continue to read on in Jeremiah 29, He promises restoration as well. He promises to bring the exiles back, they just need to trust ... remember, His plan is FOR GOOD, not evil!

Lord, thank You for Your plans. May I cry out to You, not only in the difficult, but in the good. May I trust You and hold tight to Your promises. You have my heart.

promises

A sweet friend reminded me of this promise today. Thank you, friend, for sharing His love.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
{Romans 8:26-28}

truly courageous

Today, I finished reading a book I had been eagerly anticipating reading since it came out last fall.

Kisses from Katie

It's written by a 22 year old girl who moved to Uganda right after her high school graduation, and has lived a life sacrificed totally to God. She started a blog when she went, and I started following it two years ago. This girl, let me tell you. God has worked so many amazing things through her, tho she'd never, ever say it was because of her or her courage. It's because of her faith in God. And I've been so challenged by it.

At 22, Katie has started a ministry; feeds over one thousand children in the slums of Uganda every week; has over 400 needy children in the sponsorship program of her ministry, providing schooling, medical treatment and food for them; has people, injured, sick or dying, in her home weekly; AND has adopted FOURTEEN becautiful girls who all call her Mamma.

Did I mention, Katie is 22?

I feel there are so many parts of this book I would love to share with you, that if I did, I would in fact retype the whole book right here. So, I will encourage you to read it yourself. Please, please do! (you may borrow my copy even!) I will, however, share one of the many things I love that she wrote in her very last chapter.

"I believe there is only one truly courageous thing we can do with our lives: to love unconditionally. Absolutely, with all of ourselves, so much that it hurts and then more."

Katie gave up life as she knew it, her comfort, family, friends, love of her life, to follow God. Not her plan. Not her desires. Though, now that she's totally given up herself, the Lord has made His desires for her, hers. Listen to that, does it make sense? When we let go of OUR selfishness, OUR desires, and give God full reign in our lives, His desires for us become ours. We then long for the things He has created us for. We long to love those He loves. Unconditionally.

Lord, may I give up myself to You, completely. Make Your desires, my desires. May I see with Your eyes. May I love so much it hurts, as You love all of us. And, thank You for loving me, in spite of myself.

http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/

blessed be Your Name

I have always loved this song. It's kind of one of those overplayed songs in church, or on the radio, that some might roll their eyes to or change the station, but still, one that I will NEVER get tired of. Play it more, please. I simply love it. And it's one that has even more real life meaning to me now.

It holds a great message. No matter what, good or difficult, happy or sad, I WILL CHOOSE TO SAY, LORD, BLESSED BE YOUR NAME!

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

http://www.myspace.com/tree63/music/songs/blessed-be-your-name-563619

dance for Jesus

Well, Little One, now is not your time. So, we will continue to hold on to the Lord for your grand debut.

Sometimes, I let my doubts get the best of me. I know, silly, right? I am a child of THE God of the universe, THE God of all of us, and I doubt. How foolish of me. I came across this chapter in the Word a few weeks ago, and it really hit home for me then. I was able to share it with a dear friend struggling with hurts (not her fault) earlier last week. And now, I find myself running to it again today.

As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him ..." {John 9:1-3}

In this passage, this man was blind. Not because his parents had done anything wrong, not because he had done anything wrong, but so that one day, when Jesus walked by him, he could be healed, revealing the Son of God, the Healer, the Redeemer, to all around. And he WAS healed.

I bet that guy felt pretty amazing. Pretty incredible. Sure, he had struggled with being blind since birth (not easy!), but he was just touched, JUST HEALED, by the Maker of the world! He was used to bring God glory, by revealing His Son. That is a pretty special thing, if you ask me.

I can play the blame game, (blaming myself), really good. But maybe, there isn't anything, anyone to blame. Maybe, this hurt, pain, struggle, or whatever may be the case, has happened, or is allowed, so that God can be glorified through it. Possible? I think so. I know so.

Now, I can't, and won't say that I'm blameless in life, for I am far from perfect and make daily mistakes. Oh, I make mistakes! But, I will say, I won't play the blame game with myself, and HE WILL be glorified in this circumstance! He alone will. I just need to back out of His way! :)

Thank You, Lord, that You are above all. Your plan is far greater than mine. Thank You for growing this heart in love, and taking care of it when it's feeling slightly cracked. Thank You for the dear people You've put on this path with us, for their kindness, love, and deep generosity. Thank You that You are our Strength, Shield, and Mighty Deliverer. I will hold to that!

And for you, little snow angels lost; you were brought to life by a crazy loving couple, who gave us the privilege of adopting you, so we could shower you with love like crazy. You are worth{lots}! And now, you get to dance for Jesus! So dance, little snow angels, dance for Him!

hope

When we left Tennessee, I stuck the pictures of the little ones in my Bible. I won't lie to you when I say I frequently sneak a look at them a few times a day. Life, after all, is beautiful. And, I like to gaze upon beauty.

(Oh, on a total sidenote, did you know, that the little embryos would be visible to the human eye if you were looking at them, outside their little home? Yep, pretty cool, huh? They are the size of the head of a pin. Crazy! Tiny! But totally visible! Ok, back on track)

Today, when I went to look at the pictures, I noticed a verse I had underlined at one time. It seems that God had used the pictures of the litte ones to bookmark a great verse, one I needed to read! Maybe, you need it today, too?

But I will HOPE CONTINUALLY and will praise You YET MORE and MORE. {Psalm 71:14}

spring!

It's the first day of spring today, my most favorite season. It's a day to celebrate newness. Growth. Hope. How fitting.

Here are some beauties I found. Enjoy, and pray.

simple signs

Today, we arrived in Tennessee. Safe and sound, thank You, Lord.

I find myself a bit, well, excited, yes, but slightly anxious. I know I need to give that up to the Lord. I'm working on it. He has His simple signs though, that He's been kind enough to give to me, that everything in His will is perfect. For His reasons.

Here are some simple things, reminders, and signs, that He's used so I can see Him in the everyday.

- Flowering tress, most of them violet in color, leading our way.

- My box of Muppets Band-Aids, the lid says "You're going to be just fine!"

- Sweet verses from my Dad, {Numbers 6:24-26}

- Ducks sitting in a tree. How does that work? They have no claws!

- Bright sun shining through dark clouds.

- Dandelions, EVERYWHERE!

- Superman is big, and can fly, but God is bigger. The earth is His footstool!

- Sweet friends and family, cheering us on, daily. You know who you are!

No matter what the outcome tho, God is in control, and I will hold to that.

Lord, if You will, You CAN bring this Little One to life. Thank You for hearing, and knowing.

things learned today

a) Shots in the bum, well, they hurt. And give me little, itty-bitty panic attacks. But nobody would ever be able to notice them. Riiiiiiight.

b) Pedicures make me feel crazy special. I'll take one of those. Every day. For the rest of my life. Please and thank you.

c) The support of friends and family makes me feel truly blessed. And beyond thankful.

d) Excitement makes me very unproductive.

e) If you have the initials J.H., you are pretty special to me.

f) God is good, and in control. And, again, I'm thankful.

can

Reading in Mark this week and came across this story. I circled one word in it a long time ago, and it was a joy to be reminded.

And a leper came to him, imploring him, and kneeling said to him, "If you will, you can make me clean." Moved with pity, he stretched out his hand and touched him and said to him, "I will; be clean." And immediately the leprosy left him, and he was made clean. {Mark 1:40-42}

Which word did I circle? Can.

I love the simple, and strong faith of this guy. He came to Jesus, empty, seemingly worthless, with nothing but his filth, his disease, and he simply stated a fact. Not even a question. A fact.

YOU CAN make me clean.

And, He did. Immediately.

This screams many things to me, but here are the two loudest.

One; our faith, my faith, how strong is it? Do I say, "Lord, I THINK You can" or do I say, "Lord, You CAN"? Do I even come to Him, or do I try to do it myself? That leper knew he needed to come to Jesus, and he knew Jesus could heal him.

Two; we are worth{lots} to Him. I really don't think Jesus would waste His precious time if we weren't. We are. And He shows us countless examples in His Word. I am so thankful for that.

Lord, You can. Just sayin'.